Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me as a therapist: omg same
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
and now we wait
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science