*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.