me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My dad is at it again
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.