Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag