Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You Might Also Like
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Spa day..😅
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*