Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
12653.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”