Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My wife gives the best headache.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY