Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)