Trumpy Cat
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
time for some seasonal decor
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
i meant to share this earlier
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.