Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life