Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Eat…
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too