Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same