” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.