Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.