Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
my proudest tweet
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”