*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.