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@senderblock23: Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
@Dolly0Dolly: I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
@thatUPSdude: How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
@camelSWAG69: [walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I've hit on this week