@TheBoydP: Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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@kelkulus: I'm stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying "utilize" and "leverage" and I'm wondering if I should tell him about the word "use".
@shesananteater: Boss: Where'd you go?? Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen. Boss: Okay? Me: So I went to lunch.
@bridger_w: If you're burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, "I seriously love your place"