Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Yes, but it was never about money
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”