Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Generation gap…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff