Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS