Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*