Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You Might Also Like
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.