Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
#Caturday