Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Don’t we all.