Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
#Caturday
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Twitter fine art
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate