@mattgallo123: Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
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@theshamingofjay: God: thou shall not kill Me: but my coworker whistles all day God: still no Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye God: do what you have to
@SlabBaconBP: Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
@ThisAlexStein: In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
@AbbyHasIssues: (Grabs store intercom) Would whoever dropped the list with “pizza” and “wine” on it in the cart come to the front? We need to be friends.