What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.