A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
This made me smile…
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My favorite farside!!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.