ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
You Might Also Like
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning