Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
nice challenge
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“I FIXED IT!”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.