Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.