Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]