Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.