Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.