Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When news reporters do sports stories
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.