Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Meeeee too!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
c’mon!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?