Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works