if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”