Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care