Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have