Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You Might Also Like
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My kitchen overserved me.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Worlds greatest photobomb
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.