Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Meth is short for Elizameth.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.