Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.