had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Don’t tell me what to do
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter