I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
beware of dog
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy