not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*