Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Midwest trash talk
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.