@foodfacenow: Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets *later* Me:*holding a snake to date's face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

@Aspersioncast: Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

@Social_Mime: The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."

@MrFilmkritik: This is the most 2017 thing I've ever seen.

@magsaidwhat: In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on