Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
BRAKING NEWS!!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.