@realHamOnWry: Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
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@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden] "It's so nice out here" "Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?" HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"
@jctwritesstuff: *rocks out at concert* *holds up lighter* *millennials scream* *mass chaos, crying* *I'm tackled* *one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
@AllanCresswell: Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.