@realHamOnWry: Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
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@sarousti: She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day....I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I'M the weirdo???
@BlindChow: GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge? ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend GOD: who? ADAM: u don't know her she goes to a different school
@suzieQ0007: Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
@BlackJerms: At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update