Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really