@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden] "It's so nice out here" "Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?" HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"

@david8hughes: Me: lord give me a sign Lord: *gives me a sign* Me: no, give me a sign I like

@jctwritesstuff: *rocks out at concert* *holds up lighter* *millennials scream* *mass chaos, crying* *I'm tackled* *one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

@AllanCresswell: Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.

@NewDadNotes: Corgi: why are my legs so short? God: that’s just what legs look like. Corgi: oh cool. [giraffe walks by] Corgi: God: you weren’t supposed to see that.