@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken

@TheTweetOfGod: Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@OctopusCaveman: Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA? Jill: It was a riot. Me: It wasn't funny Jill.

@krisv_723: I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I'm not a monster.

@NervousJr: Told my mom "The D" stood for donuts, and now she won't stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.