@heidi420x: Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@HavocMantis: God: "Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?" Frog: "ribbit" God: "haha, alright man"
@Paulmay018: Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
@SamGrittner: Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.