Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.