Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
never forget
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Animal poetry
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
These are my roll models.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Beware of fowl play.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.