Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
No, I don’t think I will.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.